2003-05-22 12:16 p.m.
visions in the 29th floor fog...babies?

Steven...kills conversations DEAD!

This is an email exchange I just had with my coworkers, which ended abruptly:

Me: Eerie. I had a talk with L last night (all hypothetical) about parenting, and now the Intrepid moms are having a very in-depth and interesting discussion on parental discipline.

I don't wanna grow up. I wanna be a Toys'R'Us kid. Why is this sh*t so interesting, then?

Ray: Dude. There is no such thing as a completely hypothetical discussion about parenting when it comes to someone you are dating. Believe me.

Dani: I am in concurrence with Ray.

Nancy (the one I suspect has never HAD sex): Three's Company.

Adrian (the only parent among us): you see where my hypothetical discussions got me.

Me: My arse, there isn't. I'm in neither the emotional nor financial position to get married, let alone have a kid.

Ray: Absolutely. But that doesn't mean that L wasn't feeling you out to get an idea of whether or not you'll want to have a kid down the line.

Nancy: Daddy!

(yes, at this point, I wanted her to be within arm's reach so I could smack her clueless ass.)

Me: Actually, I was the one who brought it up. I'm having a lot of "am I an adult or aren't I?" discussions in my head lately.

Not that having children decides that...the discussion was more along the lines of, "does relating to children very well (given that I feel more like a kid most of the time than an adult, comics/scifi/video games and all) make one a better parent than being a stern, disciplined figure?"

Welcome back to my world of people ignoring any serious discussion in favor of talking about hot movie stars, American Idol, weight loss, and other such mindless bullshit.

I hate my coworkers at moments like these. A lot. Despite being pretty well-cultured and political, they can be as shallow as a friggin' half-full kiddie pool.

I was on the Intrepid message boards, which has at least three parents on it, and two moms were debating with the rest of the non-parental crew the merits of parental policing, reading kids' emails (to make sure they're not only aware of parental presence, but also to be sure that they're not being sneaky)...and it honestly made me feel good to think about such things, to consider my own future as well as my own maturity, plumb some fresh depths.

I don't think I'm always going to feel like a kid in most ways. L and I had a serious talk last night (at least moreso than before) about moving in together, actually considering the kind of space we'd need, see if where she was living now was a space we could share...and we talked about kids pretty unabashedly.

I still love my considerable geekery: I get off on the silly novelty of video games, science fiction & comics still make my brain explode (when well done; see Jack Womack, Jeff Noon, J. Michael Straczynski, Grant Morrison and Ray Bradbury), and I still look out at the world with a lot of wide-eyed wonder, despite an overbearing sense of political cynicism. I feel like I can see beyond the governments to the systems of the world, and there's a serious sense of comfort that goes with not buying into fatalism about humanity.

And part of me would love to instill a child with that sense of wonder, teach them how to be open to strangers and yet still safe, how to not let the world crush your heart, and how to not eat bacon (because I love it too much, and I wouldn't want a kid with a heart condition).

I still have a lot I want to see before I settle down...but I'm not afraid of that notion, not even with L.

At the same time, I want us to explore the world and each other a lot more before that happens. It can't be a second priority or a "when we have time" thing.