2001-12-11 9:21 a.m.
tired but full of light

Today's day 3 of Chanukah, and I'm nursing some serious exhaustion.

coming down from any kind of drug (e.g. alcohol, caffeine) takes a toll on your body, but E has proven to be a bit of a kicker. I'm supposed to toddle off to work today after a three-day weekend (G-d bless sick days), and I'm moving about as quickly as an electric golf cart that's been left on all night.

Friday night, I felt like a walking micronetwork, and was moving as fast. Dan and S. and I strolled the streets of Brighton Beach � which reminded me of my nostalgia for our Jewish upbringing � wide-eyed and laughing, stopping for sweets and coffee and to just feel the washes of euphoria.

I can't take life seriously, ever. That's what these past months have taught me. It's fine to want to express yourself: write books, sing songs, fuck until you can't walk in a straight line, love until you're both full of light and screaming...but the moment that you let yourself succumb to the pull of money or career, life without joy, you're dead. Stress is intangible and worthless.

All that matters in this life is joy, and I had a fucking banquet's worth this weekend.

Dan and I reached inside our heads and pulled out all of the frustration and anger we've had at each other and flushed it. We talked, hugged, talked some more, chose a new project not born in despair (unlike our last one), and we're back on our road.

Last night was Chanukah in our house, and lying in bed later, S. asked me how long it'd been since I last celebrated the holiday like this (reading the story of Chanukah, lighting the candles, playing dreidel, making latkes from scratch and eating until we burst, giving TONS of presents)...and I can't remember. At least 15 years, probably longer.

I'm both very sad and tickled pink at this fact. My family got very disconnected and distant as my brother and I hit high school, if we were ever that tightly-knit to begin with. My dad was always working, though until his huge business (a chain of dollar stores) got bought out from under him, he had time to spend with us. Dan fractured off into his teenage years (enter any teenage cliche about drinking, drugs, punk rock, John Lennon, etc. here), our mom started selling real estate, Chanukah became cold and mechanical, and I was left standing there wondering where everyone went.

I was alone, but I was also an apathetic loner, so I shrugged and dealt with it.