2001-11-16 2:24 p.m.
my own private floundering

Ok, that�s the second premonition of death, mine, that I�ve had in three days. What kind of message am I sending myself? That I�m going to die, but don�t know how? That this is the Tarot sort of death, where a rebirth, a refocusing or great change is coming in my life, a la Saturn Return?

I was sitting here at work, zoning out in a sugary haze (as I gobbled gummy peaches nervously when I got to work, tired of being here), and I had a vision:

I was having a vision, here, at my law firm temp job, of myself booking a flight this afternoon to see my parents the weekend of Dec. 5th (not the weekend of Thanksgiving, but the one after), seeing it crashing in my mind, and as forethought, preparing my notes for my novel and a note for S., telling her everything I haven�t yet found the words for at this moment (which, I imagine, would be a fair summation of what she�s meant to me � which is a lot). I packed it all up with the intention that, if I died, I�d want her to write my book. There�s a good bit there, a lot of notes about energies, some character notes, the arc of the book, the ideas at work and the flavors to go into it.

I�m not fearful of dying, but leaving my book unwritten forever is something that shakes me to the core.

I was also thinking this morning about S., that we have a �date� tonight, and being with her makes me smile and giggle. We both know there aren�t any rules anymore about dating, and it feels fun and childlike (in a 6-years-old kind of way) to play out courtship rituals, especially given how we fell together.

This is the second day in a row that �Floundering� has been on my mind�thinking about John Boyz, about living in LA after the riots or NY after the WTC collapse, about that gnawing feeling of disconnectedness. In the end, he made his changes by giving up what little old life he had, in favor of something he fell into. He took what he had and gave it to other people, self-sacrifice as a way out of hyperactive introspection and self-pity.

I don�t want to think that this is going to be like when I was 14, and my life was echoing movies that came out 10 years prior�but then, philosophically, I feel like I�m peeling away my cynicism that�s built up since I moved into NY (and into the world of media and heightened political awareness).

I also feel like I need to be helping other people right now; in fact, I have since the 11th. I feel so self-involved, like my skin is a latex skin with no openings, Rover from The Prisoner enclosing me until I suffocate. Momentum, movement�I feel so slow these days.

I love how Bush is going to walk out of this a hero, the man who�s going to rally the world around Afghanistan while one of its people sneaks up on us with tac-nukes. He�s already got the bills passed that give him ridiculous surveillance powers�so the question is, what is he planning next? I shudder at any ideas I might have on the subject.

I need to speak to Joyce. Maybe tomorrow I�ll have time to.