2002-05-08 time?
Quicksilver

I'm pretty quicksilver with people, fast to change my mind about them, and equally fast to apologize for misjudgements. I get mad at Tabi easily, and at S much more easily.

The truth is that it's painful to not have her in my life like I used to. And it's not that she's dead to me or anything, just that the more she and I have backed away from each other, the more of a gap there is that I have yet to fill with anything else. Maybe writing (once I feel settled enough to) will help, dating, making friends where I live, all of it will make life easier...but it's all going to be what I've said about NY, that you have to fight for every goddamn inch in this place.

Part of me really wanted to leave after seeing Atlanta again. Atlanta is a much softer, easier place to know people. Less pressure to achieve, more space and hospitality to do it. Granted, it's harder to make anything happen at such a remove from SF/LA/NY/Chicago, but that's why it is the place it is. You settle down there after you've made it, when you want to put down roots somewhere slower while you write your magnum opus, while you pick up a video camera for the first time and make abstract films, while you join your first band at 35 or first step onto a stage at 66.

But as I said last year when I was at this same impasse: I want to fight it out. I'm not totally sure what I'm doing here, but I'm not done here yet. I want to find a strength from whatever I do, solidify and rock the world before I leave this city. Leave here like D and I envisioned two characters we were pitching to Marvel: fit, fed and ferocious, mouth open but saying what I've meant to.

Speaking of the B-52s (who are playing SummerStage this summer, and christ do I want to go), they really make me smile...not because they're terminally goofy (which they are), not because I love Fred's zeal in all his queeny glory (which I do), not because there's so much smut underlying all of their lyrics...but because on top of all of that, their songs evoke this time that I've read so much about, 1970s Athens, when college kids (or not even) had nothing to do but create new styles and lives out of thrift store crap and cheap drinks, getting lost in a small town and each other's bodies. It was pre-AIDS (at least the epidemic), pre-herpes (same)...people screwing around and playing like the wild children they were, making ridiculous dance music that no one took seriously, but everyone loved.

I answered an ad on Nerve from someone hearkening for that same kind of play in the city, a lightness of heart, a goofiness. I always wonder how you preserve that when sex and love enter the picture...how do you not stop playing?

For me (when it's not heavy or overly romantic), sex IS play. I love nipping, teasing, getting someone within a few breaths of coming, letting up, feeling them whimper, moan, make them rise and fall and rise again, then pushing them over the edge...and joking and laughing after we both come down, finding a stray action figure or barette and making it ride across her skin (like a desert army marching, hup two hup three, elephants exploring her bellybutton), or putting fingers inside her and making them talk, her giggles mixing with moans.

If one's going to acknowledge how silly we are as a species, why can't one celebrate that in bed? :)