2001-05-05 12:44 a.m.
living in hope

Cynicism is wearying. There's too much to do in this life to waste time and energy bitching about who and what isn't living up to expectations. It's a tough ideal to live up to, but a good goal, nonetheless.

This also applies to writing. I can't be bothered to figure out whether something I write is "convenient", especially to the whims of comic editors. Perhaps that attitude will keep me in the poorhouse, but dammit, the whole point's to write what you're feeling, you know? if a project's written but isn't bought for three years, well, I can deal with that. that's what day jobs are for.

Going to the Pot Parade today, as it seems like a fun thing to do (and the sky's overcast and the air's cool, so we won't all scorch like bugs under a magnifying glass). Then again, I want to go for a walk first...get a bit of breakfast, clear my head, see if I'm feeling writing vibes more than partying vibes. (I also don't want to end up like other friends/brothers of mine, who claim they're taking the world down they're writing so fast, and then have to hack something out at the last minute because they're partying too much. Be real, but be realistic.)

Every time I close my eyes with music on, I'm back in Reilly's world...my world...whatever...seeing live evolve according to whim, to music, seeing a fresh new landscape, beauteous and technological and lush, with a mad playwright dancing like a life-loving whiteboy down in the valley.

left turn: something M. said a long time ago is pretty true, but not for the reasons she claimed...she always said I was a compulsive spender (duh), but she never got why. In most cases, it comes from starving for new stimuli: if friends aren't feeding me new stuff, if a story comes my way on DVD or comic or book and I want to experience it all now...impatience, impetuousness, determination... all of these things have been both good and bad in my life, but I enjoy who I am.

on that note, Lain is a BRILLIANT anime series. Highly recommended. I'm definitely in love with this mode of storytelling...not milking the cynical protagonist thing, but the fairly innocent (in at least some ways) seeker vibe, the babe in the wilderness, trying to carve out a path...much like me (duh).

back to M.: I wonder about her sometimes...what she's up to, what she's doing. I peek at her online journal occasionally out of curiosity, but that's about as telling as random paparazzi snapshots taken without context.

I'm sad lately about what happened. I wasn't wrong about us not working out, and I think breaking up was the right thing to do, but you can't help but wonder and remember...and we had some amazing times together... two wild children wandering the city, doing everything we could think of, a few things we didn't, falling in love the whole while. I know, by the end, I hadn't just fallen, I was there, in love. But by that point, she was fighting for excuses to pull away and I felt that if she was looking for a reason to go, then she just should. I had to say some hurtful things to make that happen, and I've never felt good about that. Some people don't get what you're trying to say unless you're hurtful, though, especially if it's a rejection. We all live in hope. That's one of the truly beautiful things about human consciousness (and probably any sentient life that has what see as hope.)...but it makes breakups a bitch.

these diaries are the ultimate extension of ego, don't you think? voices scribbling themselves out into the darkness, hoping for affirmation? It's funny.

CURRENT READS: "The Web of Life" by Fritjof Capra...systems theory; ties in interestingly with Gnoticism and other big concepts/philosophies. Damn, I love synchronicity.