2002-03-28 12:24 p.m.
no-family zone

life's feeling cold over here. I'm about to be more alone than I have been in quite some time, and I'm frightened. Maybe it's because the house and the people in it have been so womblike in this period since 9/11, or maybe because it's been easier to just stick with this group of people and the tiny set of routines life has become than to kick the doors open and dream big.

D. and Rachel are now moving in the beginning of May, leaving me with an empty house to contend with for the month before I move out. I have to go out a lot that month, or I imagine I'll go insane.

I won't miss D.'s condescension, his self-assumed fatherly role, or his constant judgement over me being a financial fuckup...but I'm going to miss the feeling of home that that house generated for a season, this past winter. It felt like family in a way I haven't felt in a long long time. It feels like leaving home for college, but worse, because I'm the one staying and because no one's coming back.

Gotta be strong, I know. But part of me wants his family back.