2001-08-17 6:27 p.m.
surreality

to anyone who's kept up with the sporadic nature of this journal, you'll note that my life has been pretty surreal, at least by my perception.

Projects that seemed to be on the fast track have stopped dead, others have flown forward, and the course of my life all feels like an engine whose gears choose to move at a frenetic but uneven pace, leaving me lurching from space to space.

I keep thinking about making a sigil to help me focus, but that's a mental thing; ritual's only a crutch, and frankly, I should be beyond such things (crutches, not sigils; I've barely used the latter thus far).

left turn:

if you've read my last entry, you'll know some of my feelings about STDs.

I'm sitting here feeling drawn down, sinking, pained... because I had one of those horrible moments in life where your ideals clash horribly with the reality of your fears, and you're left, in a moment, in a glance, in a very small amount of words, to pick up the pieces.

Someone I know has an STD, and that fact just jumped into the middle of what was starting to happen between us.

I hate to anthropomorphize anything like a virus, but that's how it feels, like a roadblock, or better, a set of spikes someone's laid out on the asphalt, puncturing tires and drawing the whole wagon train to a halt.

I spoke last time about treating people with as much respect as possible, but this is one of the toughest tightropes I've ever walked...not because there's so much danger, mind you, but because the whole thing scares me.

It took me years to finally get a grip on myself, start loving myself and taking who I am and who I want to be seriously, instead of just coasting through life, grabbing the nearest wind and following it into uncharted waters. Most of all, it took me most of my life to be comfortable with my body...and the idea of having an infection in me, silent, unseen, but something that'll affect everyone I'm ever close with... I had to jump back, hard.

I'm sorry that I had to.

I never want to hurt anyone. I want to help people grow, help them pass the time of their lives with a laugh and a smile, or at least bring them comfort.

I hope I can do that for the person in this case.

I also hope I'm the only one feeling this as hard as I am...it's no kind of fun.