2001-05-10 12:14 p.m.
tribal theory

writing in a vacuum makes me angry sometimes. it's a lot like living in NY...throwing thoughts out, crashing on drums, throwing together digital video and Flash, and kicking paint at a screen door...you're always producing, you're always pouring your energy fiercely into something that hasn't existed, to share, to mold...should I care if anything happens with it? Marketability is tiring.

I'm feeling a lot with the story I'm working on, though...superheroic nonsense distilled down into a sick and spiritual story. I also think that there's a fine line to strike in what I'm building with this character...using science as a plaything, not as a status symbol, a piece of magic and delight. I don't want to compete with people for innovation's sake...I just want to use my stage and splay ideas out as they hit me.

Dan and I had a long talk today...about teaching by example, rather than by, well, teaching, I suppose. there's also a wisdom in living and getting out from underneath the pressure to be something so soon in life. (can you call 25 soon?)

It frightens me how much I carry with me. That could be why I can never feel settled. Decades of anger and fury, passions on a level I find hard to reconcile with my everyday life, the urges to enrich a world that honestly wants to zone out, eat crap, and dream dreams of Ikea furniture and Britney Spears paparazzi nudes on the Internet.

I can't know exactly what Dan means by tribes, that those of us who are awake and aware of the higher levels of life step up and get challenged...but innately, I understand completely.

I'm at odds between impulses: the urge to reject what Dan has to say because I want to stand on my own feet (even though learning from someone else doesn't mean you're not independent); an old idea I got from Mom ("you're not better than people because of what you can do" -- which, ironically, is irrelevant. Just because someone not's better than another person doesn't mean that that person has to live on everyone else's level. Live on your own -- that's the point Dan's got to make, and it's something I've known for years. You search hard and long enough, and make sure that enriching yourself takes priority over that search, and your tribe'll find you.); most of all, the urge to wind myself up like a top and isolate rather than relax and let things flow freely like I know they will.

left turn:

mmmm...women. gotta do something about this lack.

there's too much to love about them: wit, twists and turns of logic, skin, surprising ideas, surves and goosebumps, gasps (this girl at work's got the best) and laughter, feeling them melt when you hit the right spots in massage or otherwise, sunrises, Sunday mornings...

I've thought about men. I just don't feel it. Women are a much lusher environment...like the Galapagos, always adapting.